A man was walking one day...

A man was walking past the mental hospital one day, and all the patients were shouting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."

The fence was too high to see over, but he saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on, only to get poked in the eye with a stick from the other side.

They then started shouting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

A tragic tail

One day a father mouse was out foraging for food when he got snapped in a trap. After some time passed, the mother and son mouse were out for a walk when the mother mouse stopped and paused.

With a sullen look on her face she sighed, "This is where your father died - OOH, CHEESE!"

Two caterpillars...

Two caterpillars were watching a cocoon burst open to reveal a beautiful butterfly. As it stretched its wings and flew away, one caterpillar turned to the other and said, "You'll never get me up in one of those things."

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" she moaned. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Run-down Motel

A guest checked in at a run-down motel. "The room is twenty dollars a night, said the manager, "but it's only ten if you make your own bed."

"Okay," said the guest. "I'll make my own bed."

"Great," said the manager. "I'll get you some nails and wood."

A man went to his doctor...

...he complained of feeling generally unwell. The doctor gave him a thorough exam and was amazed to find hundreds of dollar bills stuffed in the patient's ears.

When he had finished counting them, the doctor said: "There was exactly one thousand, nine hundred and fifty dollars in there."

"That figures," said the patient. "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

Two 90-year-old women...

...Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

"Barb, if it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a voice calling out to her, "Baaaarb, Baaaaarb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb.

"It's me, Rose."

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven, dummy" replied Rose. "I have some good news and a little bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"Barb, there IS softball in Heaven, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, we're all young again, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic, so what's the bad news," asked Barb.

"You're pitching on Tuesday."

I'm Back! (Like it or not)

A man went into a fishmonger's carrying a trout under his arm.

"Do you make fishcakes?" he asked.

"Yes, we do."

"Great," said the man. "It's his birthday."

Why did the sheep cross the road?

Because it was tied to the chicken.

Special Orders Don't Upset Us...

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?

Because he was a dirty double-crosser.

Fluffy Bunnies or something

A man was driving down the road, saw a rabbit hopping across, and tried to swerve to miss him. The rabbit was hit and the man felt terrible. He went back to check on the poor animal and to his dismay found the rabbit dead.

A woman stopped her car to ask what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he said. "I just ran over a rabbit and killed it."

"Don't worry," she said. " I may be able to help."

She pulled a spray can from her car and sprayed its contents onto the animal's body. Miraculously, the rabbit jumped up, waved to the two humans and hopped away. About 20 feet away he turned around and waved, and continued to do so about every 20 feet after that. The rabbit turned and waved one last time before disappearing into the distance.

The man was amazed. "What on earth was in that spray can?"

She turned the can around and the label read: "Hare Spray: Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.

A woman caught her...

...husband as he stumbled through the door.

"What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

"Sorry, honey. I ran out of money."

Another note...

If any of you have not been able to post comments on this blog because you don't have a g-mail account, worry no more! Anyone can access and comment, so keep 'em coming!

So the patient says...

"Doctor, doctor, I can't stop stealing things."

"Take these pills for a week," said the doctor, "and if they don't work, get me a digital camera."

After a year in therapy...

...my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone."

An inside tip

One of my faithful readers(or is that my one faithful reader) suggested I post a note about my blog. For any of you who are reading from any type of blog "reader" and have not actually seen my site, here's the deal: Come on in, enjoy the jokes, and post a comment with your rating.The scale is from 1 to 10 with 1 being a groaner and 10 being a gut-buster. The idea is to find the funniest, most popular joke.

So, now you know, and knowing is a lot of the battle...or something.

A man called his neighbour one morning:

"Did you hear me banging on the wall last night?"
"Oh, don't worry about it. We were making a fair bit of noise ourselves."

And finally...

Waking up after a restless night, a wife turned to her husband and said: "I can't believe you! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"
The husband replied: "Who was sleeping?!"

Another one for Valentine's Day...

During a heated debate, the husband said, "Admit it, you only married me because my grandpa left me a million dollars!"

"That is just ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave it to you."

Lawyer: Now would you mind telling me why you shot your husband with a bow and arrow?

Defendant: I didn't want to wake the children.

A Zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing ten-dollar bills into the elephant enclosure.

"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.
"The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes it does. It says: 'Do not feed. $10 fine.' "