A man went to his doctor...

...he complained of feeling generally unwell. The doctor gave him a thorough exam and was amazed to find hundreds of dollar bills stuffed in the patient's ears.

When he had finished counting them, the doctor said: "There was exactly one thousand, nine hundred and fifty dollars in there."

"That figures," said the patient. "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

Two 90-year-old women...

...Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

"Barb, if it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a voice calling out to her, "Baaaarb, Baaaaarb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb.

"It's me, Rose."

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven, dummy" replied Rose. "I have some good news and a little bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"Barb, there IS softball in Heaven, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, we're all young again, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic, so what's the bad news," asked Barb.

"You're pitching on Tuesday."

I'm Back! (Like it or not)

A man went into a fishmonger's carrying a trout under his arm.

"Do you make fishcakes?" he asked.

"Yes, we do."

"Great," said the man. "It's his birthday."

Why did the sheep cross the road?

Because it was tied to the chicken.

Special Orders Don't Upset Us...

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?

Because he was a dirty double-crosser.